The most natural feeling of aliveness is when we are in touch with and feel our emotions. Yes, all of our emotions, as my mentor and friend, Dr. Daniel Dufour, used to say, “the three families of emotions are sadness, anger, and happiness”.

Emotions are the most natural experience we could ever have, and most people have a fear of feeling them, welcoming them, or even acknowledging them. They say there are good and bad ones, welcoming the “good ones – joy” while dismissing, avoiding, and refusing the “bad ones – anger or sadness”.

I believe that people are not prepared for life. Somehow the expectation of it being “perfect or static” like nothing bad should happen, is a hope we hang on to throughout our lives. Why do we give our children the impression that life is meant to be a steady line without movement, without ups and downs, and drawbacks and disappointments?

That’s not LIFE; life is movement, and movement will bring feelings and emotions. The fact that many of us can benefit by understanding and accepting the full range of emotions, goes a long way in our personal development.

I believe people fear the PAIN of emotion as if it would be unbearable, insupportable. Yes, it can be painful if you have learned to ignore them and push them inside. We often shove them in as tight as possible to the bottom of a well and hope it never fills up to the point that they start overflowing.

In that case, that would be painful, yes, I do believe so, but even then, our bodies are so incredibly smart that it would never all come out at once for you to suffocate in pain. On the other hand, expressing emotions as they come is natural, so it does not cause excruciating pain when we express them.

We feel the sadness caused by seeing a loved one leave. We cry if someone “breaks our heart,” by the way, hearts don’t break. We feel anger caused by not being chosen to be on a team or getting the perfect parking space taken away as we approach.

These are examples of our idea of “bad” feelings. On the other hand, some examples of “good” feelings might be the joy we feel when gathering with friends we love or getting a perfect score after studying so hard for a test.

It starts with it being ingrained in us during childhood. Almost as if recognizing feelings that make is unhappy are a waste of time, that feeling something and giving it the attention it required was not worth our energy or something.

Making us think that those feelings are not important and we are better than that! As parents, we want the best for our children, so we attempt to feel for them and teach them to be strong and capable. We sometimes indirectly tell them that it is not right to feel the way they are feeling. We want them to get it together and teach them to suppress their emotions. Unfortunately, this is all fear-based thinking.

We are born with emotions for a very good reason. It is our way of knowing if we like something, if we dislike something, if we really enjoy something, or we don’t enjoy something. Respecting our emotions is essential for respecting ourselves. Sadly, most of us grew up listening to what our parents, educators repeatedly said to us. ‘Stop crying; there’s no reason to cry.’ With that simple phrase, let’s see what we learned about this natural emotion and how confused we became.

To do this, we must acknowledge that the levels of sensitivity in humans vary from person to person. Some people will dismiss that comment and move on without thinking further. The more sensitive among us will feel terrible for hearing that they cannot express what they are feeling. This could create confusion and the feeling of inadequacy.

Their emotions are felt strongly, yet they are being told to stop experiencing their feelings because feeling that way is wrong, stupid, or even unnecessary by someone who is not feeling the same. Where does this person go from here? They can’t stop feeling what they feel, so they might start feeling ashamed, embarrassed and begin to hide what they are feeling.

Sometimes, they hide it physically and stop participating in group activities because they find it very difficult to interiorize their emotions. Unfortunately, the most painful thing is, they create the most damaging belief of all: “there is something wrong with me”.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with them. On the contrary, they are much more attuned and in touch with humanity than many of the people who feel no empathy at all. They have a beautiful gift, and they must learn to embrace their gift. We all experience and express emotions in different ways, but in the end, we can benefit from understanding, and accepting all of our emotions.

Ximena Veliz

Emotional Coach and Mentor

veliz.ximena@gmail.com